Why do we still feel attached or jealous when a covert narcissist moves on, even after realizing their toxicity and the suffering they caused?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 04:31
so here is my crash course !
(hopefully my crash course helps)
How ever for starters
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their is no set answer to this as they are individuals and as different as we are individuals and we are all unique.
you dont get an education in cluster b in high school. In college and university most undergrads are not going to get this education unless you specialize in mental health , psychiatry, psychology , addictions etc. even then you get book smart but thats not the same as lived experience.
you cant change them
I gave him everything. He said he loved me. Why?
you are incompatable from the minute you went on your first date. Again you dont know this and for most of them they may yave a sense they are off but it usually ends there.
some cast you in a state of limbo and while you are immovilized they live their secret life under your radar. Often hidden on there phones, laptops, ipads, at work, when your at work, busy with the kids etc. sound effed up and like a stephen king book ? Well it is. And heres the kicker they are in your churches, your politics, at work and in your families and even your bed. We live in a society where narcissism is even rewarded or you have institutions that mask abuse. Make no mistake it is abuse, it is domestic abuse and it is an epidemic.
your trying to move forward with a person who is trying to hide the deep insecurity that they are broken, off, not happy, not secure, not open to introspection, and in this your going to recognize all narcs thrust from the position of
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to them its a means to an end and the self fulfillment of their prophecy. They are parasites in prada. They are sexual preditors. They can be spiritual preditors. They prop you up, secure you, use you and if it falls apart good luck in closure or answers because generally most dont have the temerity to make amends, give you closure, walk with you while your healing and trying to give you an understanding of why they did the dine n dash or hit n run
discard
them
you may have betrayal trauma
in time your going to experience cycles of
you may lack education in this area
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no one wants to admit your relationship tanked, you are in over your head and for many of us we get locked into thinking it was our fault, we can FIX them, they just need therapy, we can pray it away. For coverts they capitolize on that you fall for their victimhood stance. These slippery snakes absolutely pray on your desire to fix or help them. They will suck you in, suck you dry, discard you and move on and your brain cannot fathom your loved one just robbed you of time, energy, your love, your vulnerability, your kindness and your left with picking up the pieces , scared shitless to trust again because you now have to reprogram your mind that your whole entire relationship was a big fat nothing burger and they dont care.
or they make life such hell you leave or they push you away and out.
you cant control it
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Narcs are formed at early childhood either by neglect, abandonment, trauma, bad parenting, genetics, environment, etc and they are stunted here. So basically you have a child that ages only they dont develop into adulthood like normal folks.
thats why pwNPD leaves scars and trauma and
1. They do not bond
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to
unless you provide supply.
they try to hide their inner conflict
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so you get into these relationships with a petulant child that has zero clue how to adult, communicate, problem solve, emote properly, and they have no inner core of self.
Idealize to devalue
cowardly by ghosting
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lets face it coverts are called coverts for a reason (hidden). The introverted passive aggressive styles. Overts are the greagarious , over the top and extroverted types. Plus you have other flavors and incarnations but lets just stick with these two common types. So with the terms of sociopath, psychopath, malignants, borderlines and with various personality attachment styles is it no wonder where this all gets very overwhelming.
the suffering they cause in their minds is the contractual obligation you unknowingly signed for by allowing them in your life. Its rely that simple. They only have two black n white views of you
you may just be lonely and out of a bad relationship and they are preditors for you when you still raw
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that may be sex, money, resources, praise, adoration, your looks, your happiness, codependency, they even get off on conflict as supply. Whatever they feel they can exploit. Again this is very stuff you didnt learn on oprah or readers digest.
but you can and will heal.
The most off putting truths you learn is
it could be codependence
they truly want to love and to be loved and this is is the part you get sucked into.
mean
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Think if it this way its almost a disorder where they dont live in reality and they bend yours. The goal is to take the spot light off of them and to download all the chaos, confusion, drama and manipulation
after that you simply get shelved or dumped into a dust bin.
they NEED supply (pos or neg)
rinse and repeat.
(Most dont know or will admit they are off or ill and the more malignant types that do know do not care)
they all have to polish their grandiosity
2.they may have cognitive empathy but lack wnotional empathy.
Also you probably arent , just like most of us at the time, not educated in cluster b , you have your own lens and in your life time you may have heard the term narcissist but never imagined yould actually end up marrying or pairing with one.
you get stuck in the conned idealizattion stage they force fed you and their is this thing called cognitive dissonance that blinds you between dr hekyl mrs hyde.
nothing
you didnt cause it
control
on to you.
all good and all bad.
It is probably the most asked question.
rinse and repeat. You exist in their grandiosity only to serve, obey, capitulate, agree, go along with, lift them up, provide supply and if you fall out of that frame work then you get punished. You get ghosted. You get discarded. Devalued. You are effortlessly cut out of their mind. Look up splitting, object impermanance and object inconstancy.
targets may experience in the idealization stage of love bombing, securing , mirroring and grooming. This is the point where you are feeling the first taste of brainwashing.
you often begin capitulating or live in limbo confused as they have ways of counteracting your such as gas lighting, future faking, silent treatment, stone walling, projecting, blame shifting, rewritting history or events and you wont even know what planet your on.
ill leave it on this note
after idealization you become relaxed, your guard is down. Your thinking this feels good.
So while they meander through life your needs, your wants, your desires are nothing to them. With no empathy, no idea or care to what makes you tick your going to repeatedly expect them to be compatable to sunchronize to join you on your journey and they will become bored with you. Your supply gets stale and so most cheat, have affairs, struggle with comorbities, porn, depression, anxiety and cannot cope with life so whatever comes across their path that grandiosity kicks in and they will easily get into all these self destructive areas and they have very little care to how that impacts you. Your not a person your supply. When you cant connect with your partner then all the cluster b stuff pops up your clueless and all they know is they ARE entitled to lie, cheat, steal and its compulsary. Its in their dna. They have some all thos before you came along and will keep doing ot when your gone.
idealize
They literally are able to compartmentalize you out of existence. This is a mal adaptive coping mechanism to assuage them from guilt and accountability. Its the biggest truth your brain has to learn. Every minute you shared with them that you cherrished and hold space for can be washed clean and with no remorse or empathy how that is going to hurt you to the core you
in these cycles they cannot handle stress, crisis, life’s problems and that includes how to engage in a healthy relationship where its essential to love, reciprocate, make relationship goals, and so on.
it could be you were raised in a cluster b home
and here is a reason many dont acknowledge you just happened to be there. No other reason. Statistics prove ten percent are out there. Chances are one in ten your going to cross paths
sometimes hoover
you may have met a narc and never knew it.
again the dynamics you are constantly in conflict with is they dont see you as a person, they see you as supply. Something to exploit
you may have bought what they are selling its exactly how experts describe the infiltration of cults operate and cult leaders.
devalue
and this is the devaluation stage. Now sonce we know they are essentially broken how do you get rid of a problem you created?
most dont seek treatment and most do the most irrational thing they download all their crap on to you and brainwash you to become obediant. To sell what they are buying.
They are putting their best feet forward to provide the illusion of who they are and it is amazing at breaking down your defenses, boundaries and cement your trust. No cluster b ever comes into your life wearing a warning label and a neon sign that they are coming into your life to only eventually to tear it apart.
you lack boundaries
so why you ask why do you feel attached? Its caused trauma bonding
however in a matter of months your going to be inteoduced to the carbon copy little hiccups of ommissions, lies, off behaviour, incongruencies and dor most if us we may pick up on these things but make no mistake these folks work their magic with counteracting it with gas lighting, deflection , blame shifting and manipulating behaviour. In effect they very consiously start covering their tracks knowing you care for them or love them. Its very easy to play with you because who expects a loved one to be duplicitious. You almost believe the shyte they spoon feed you laced with sugar.
In effect without these two ingrediants your relationship is going to tank only you dont know it because they fake empathy, they fake connection (mirroring). They do not have the capacity for emotional attachment and emotionally availability… why?